I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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