Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
