I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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