My sheets look like a crime scene.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
