Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
