I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
