My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
