as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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