I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
