you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
