I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
