don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
