somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
