today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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