remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
