so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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