We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
