He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
