You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
