just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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