I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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