I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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