dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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