I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
