If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
