My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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