Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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