Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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