Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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