I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
