i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
