Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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