I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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