in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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