They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
