the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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