guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
