You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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