Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
