She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
