Sponge bath it is.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
