My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
