We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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