Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
