STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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