I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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