Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
