I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
