I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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