My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
