i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
